I don’t know why it is so hard for me to express my Father’s Day thoughts. I write about family. That is what I do. But today, it isn’t so easy.
Maybe it is because I know that no matter what I do, I cannot make this Father’s Day great for my husband. In fact, I know he is the one who will be working extra hard to maintain a positive attitude throughout the day. No matter what I, or my children do, Father’s Day will always bring back sorrowful memories of last Father’s Day.
Or maybe, I just find it easier to write about my kids. Although I love each member of my family, and although my husband is undoubtedly the number one man in my life, my children are at a stage where they require so much more out of me. Their survival depends on my giving of attention, time, energy, and even my physical body. At the end of the day, although my husband also needs me, his needs seems so much less obvious than the cries of a hungry newborn. So when I sit down to write, it is their stories that my mind is drawn to telling.
Whatever the reason, I just can’t seem to find the words to express my intense love and appreciation for my husband, especially in his role as my sons’ father. I am just better at writing about motherhood.
But here’s the thing. Everything I am? Everything that I write about on this blog? All the stories of motherhood that fill up my consciousness? They are all possible because of my husband. I think I am a pretty good Mom. But I know I could never be the Mom I am without my husband being the Dad he is.
Motherhood often seems like it affects only my children. It is an incredibly important responsibility to have, but as I mother my children, as I love them and care for them, I feel like my efforts are being poured only on them. This is why I feel so spent at the end of it all. This is why I feel like I have so very little left to give my husband. Motherhood is a big and all encompassing task, and its effects are very focused.
Fatherhood is different.
Each time my husband plays with Cameron or tries to soothe Gavin, I not only see his love flowing towards our children, but I fall within the reach of that love too. After a long day being home with two kids alone, each simple act of fathering is one giant break for me. Each time I witness his ferocious love for our boys, I realize that he is loving these people that we made together – he and I. It is through the partnership of raising these precious little beings that God entrusted us both with that I feel closest to him. Our kids are our life project. Together. And without him, I could not possibly be the mother I am.
Being father is my favourite attribute that my husband possesses. I am so unbelievably proud of how smart and talented and driven Dan is but that will never compare to the pride and love I feel for him as he fathers our children.
This Father’s Day may not be an easy one for my husband. It may not even be a good one for him. But I pray, with all my heart, that he recognizes how much I appreciate the father he is and how much our children adore the father he is.
This morning at church, as the pastor was talking about how to be a good father, he finished off the sermon by encouraging everyone to tell the fathers in our lives that we love them. At that point, our two year old turned to Dan and said “I lub you, Daddy!”
I love you too, Dan.