I don’t know what changed. A due date is really no different than any other day late in pregnancy. But since my due date passed, I have hit a wall. A switch has been thrown and I seem to have reached a breaking point.
I don’t need this baby to be born right now. I can be patient and let this baby stay snug inside until we’re both ready for the big entrance into the world. I know that while pregnant, I maintain a special connection with this child that I will never again experience. Everywhere I go, this child is with me. Every time this baby moves, I am moved too. This baby knows the sound of my heart, this baby relies on my body for protection. While pregnant, I am the most important thing to this child. I am this child’s everything.
And until this baby is born, I can also be my bigger boy’s entire world. Although my love could never be divided when this new baby enters our family, my time certainly will be. So here I am faced with this perfect opportunity to drink in all the time I can with my boy. I am reminded each day that it is my responsibility to make these last Mommy-Cameron only days be as special as possible. Our family will soon change, and it will be a wonderful change, but it will also be different.
And yet, I feel as though I have nothing left. Exhaustion is taken to a new extreme most days. My patience, which I usually pride myself in, is nearly non-existent. The level of discomfort in my body has sky-rocketed. Pregnancy, motherhood, and life in general just seems so overwhelming right now.
I am overwhelmed with a side-order of guilt. Biggie sized.
Guilt every time I sit down. Guilt each time I turn on the television to entertain my son. Guilt that the kitchen isn’t clean and that supper hasn’t yet been started and the playroom desperately needs to be swept. Guilt that I can’t pick up my son each time he asks to be carried. Guilt that I can’t play with my son like he wants to be played with. Guilt that when he says “[c]‘Mon Mama!” that my initial reaction is to snap and stay right where I am. Guilt that I’m not taking the time to sing and snuggle and pay attention to this baby in my belly like I did with his older brother…
Guilt that there is always more to be doing – more that I just can’t find it in me to do.
Upon hearing that today was a hormonal, emotionally charged day, a Twitter friend replied:
This is such a perfect way to describe how I am feeling. Like a mother animal who just needs to sneak away and be left alone right before giving birth, I find myself desiring an escape. Just a simple, dark, quiet retreat until this baby decides to emerge. Is that so hard to ask?
It is. It is so hard to ask. Because the reality is, life goes on. My family goes on. My role as a mother and a provider goes on. I can’t simply run away from it, even if my attitude already seems checked out. I may feel like I need a break, but my little boy needs me. My baby needs me. My family needs me.
Even when I’m not at my best.